Tonight is the eve of my 2019 Happiness Project and 12 Experiments Project. I’ve been diligent in the planning and I’m excited to start a road trip with the kids in the morning to kick off January’s theme of “Never Been.” Each day we’ll travel somewhere new, even if on some days we have to settle for a new taco shop or bookstore in the neighborhood.

But as I was getting ready this morning I realized there is an even bigger goal that I must accomplish this year. I must stop yelling. As I attempted to work through my to do list, I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and easily triggered. The normal conflicts and whining echoed in my brain like daggers. The mess making felt like catastrophic explosions. It was a tough morning for us all.

How can I expect my children to stay in control of their bodies and emotions when 35 years into life I’m still learning? I hate when I hear that sharp tone in my voice that wouldn’t feel good directed at an adult let alone a child. I must do better.

I have lots of intentions set for 2019. 19 tasks to accomplish and 12 experiments of happiness, but the most important goal I have for myself is to find a way to maintain, as Dr. Markham calls it, a Yellibacy in our family. No more making others feel small or sad as a way to influence their behavior.

I hope 2019 will be the year we all choose love.